最後的康帕德里托
（The Last Compadrito, Part 3）
我曾認識一位醫生，他常與臨終病人打交道。
有一次他告訴我一件讓我一直記得的事。
他說，有些家屬在病人明明已無生機時，仍堅持插管、接呼吸器等極端延命手段，
真正的原因往往不是出於希望，而是出於內疚。
他們在病人還健康時沒有多陪伴、多關心，
於是想在最後關頭「多做一點」，來彌補心中的虧欠。
那時我覺得這說法有點奇怪，
但如今我明白得多了。
Ricardo 去世後，
我和 Alej 前往新墨西哥州的聖塔菲（Santa Fe）參加一場紀念他的 milonga。
那場活動很溫馨。
大家一起跳舞，然後播放他生前的影片。
然而就在播放影片的時候，
我心裡忽然湧上一種難受的感覺。
看完後，我再也跳不下去。
我只想一個人靜一靜。
因為當我看到螢幕上的他時，
我忽然意識到——我曾傷害過他。
而現在，什麼也挽回不了了。
Ricardo 一生所渴望的，不過是被喜歡、被尊敬。
但可恥的是，有一段時間，我既沒有給他喜歡，也沒有給他尊敬。
更糟的是——
我覺得他知道。
某個時候，我對 Ricardo 開始有些厭倦。
我不再真正聽他說話，
而是轉向別的朋友。
更糟的是，那段期間我迷上了拍攝、發掘新的舞者。
我已經看過 Ricardo 跳舞上百次，
於是覺得他的舞不再「新鮮」。
我忘了他其實是多麼出色的舞者，
甚至——我還沒閉嘴地說了出來。
我記得有一次，在 Corrientes 大街上一家烤肉餐館（parrilla），
我和 Osvaldo Natucci 及他的老舞伴 Eladia Córdova 一起吃飯喝酒。
（我記得 Osvaldo Buglione，他在 El Beso milonga 的合夥人，
那晚也在場。）
我和 Natu 都喝得有點興奮，一邊開玩笑、一邊辯論：
我說：「Tete 太棒了！」
Eladia 說：「對，Tete 真的很棒。」
Natu 說：「你要明白，Ricardo Vidort 是個 maestro（大師）。」
我回：「但 Tete 能做到別人做不到的事。」
Natu 說：「你應該多研究 Ricardo，他是『探戈的大建築師（The Grand Architect of Tango）』。」
Alej 沒說話。
她是當中唯一與 Ricardo 和 Tete 都跳過無數次舞的人，
她比誰都清楚 Ricardo 的實力，但她聰明地選擇了沉默。
我們爭論來回，最後 Natu 緩和地說：
「其實誰也說不準，探戈是藝術。怎麼能分誰更好呢？」我點頭說：
「你說得對……（停頓）不過……（再停頓）我還是覺得……Tete 比……」我話還沒說完，整桌人就一起接著喊出我的句子，
然後哄堂大笑。
我想那晚整個餐廳都聽見了。
Ricardo 去世後，有好幾個人告訴我，
他曾說我是個很棒的舞者。
但他從來沒當面對我說過。
他總是在糾正我。如今我明白，那其實是他給我的最珍貴的禮物。
他就像其他幾位 milongueros 一樣，
願意打破舞會中不該「指導」別人的潛規則，
直接在 milonga 裡教我。
但當我跳得越來越好時，
我開始變得愚蠢且驕傲，覺得他是在「炫耀我這個學生」。
有一次，我和 Alej 正要走上舞池，
Ricardo 走過來抓住我的手臂說：
「Shoot the feet! 」（射腳！射腳！）
這是他經常說的話，
我花了很久才真正懂他的意思。
這其實是非常重要的建議，但那時我覺得他有點煩。
特別是那一刻剛好在其他 milongueros 面前，
我心裡有點不耐。
於是我用手指比成手槍的樣子，假裝「砰砰」對自己的腳開了兩槍。
旁邊的人都笑了，甚至 Ricardo 也笑了。
但現在回想起來，
那其實是不敬的舉動——
尤其是在其他 milongueros 面前。他只是想幫助我，而我卻把它當成玩笑。
Ricardo 最喜愛的是 tango picado（切分探戈）這類音樂，
但他懂得如何隨不同音樂調整自己的風格。（Celia’s，2004）
（附註：我在一年後重看這段影片——那真是精彩的舞蹈！）
這段影片簡直像是「探戈名人錄」：
裡面出現的包括 Raul Poli、Carlos Syracusa、Alito、Tito、El Malevo、Chiche、Cachirulo、Nestor Serra——每一個都是探戈傳奇。
The Last Compadrito
.(Part 3 )
I knew a doctor who often had to deal with dying people, and one time he told me something I always remembered. He said that sometimes the reason family members demand extraordinary measures, like tubes and respirators to keep a sick person alive when there’s no hope, is because they feel like they didn't do enough for the person earlier in life. He said it was probably because they felt a little guilt, so they wanted to do more at the last minute. It seemed a little strange to me, but now I understand it better.
After Ricardo died, Alej and I went to Santa Fe, New Mexico for a memorial milonga for him. It was very nice. Everyone danced, and then we watched some videos. But as we watched the videos, I suddenly started to feel bad. And afterwards, I couldn’t dance. I just wanted to be by myself. When I saw him on the screen it suddenly came to me that I had hurt him… and that there was nothing I could do about it. All Ricardo ever really wanted was to be liked, and respected… and I’m ashamed to admit, there was a time when I did neither. And even worse, I suddenly felt like he knew it.
I think what happened was that somewhere along the line, I got a little tired of Ricardo. I stopped really listening to him, and I moved on to other friends. But it was even worse than that. I was discovering all sorts of new dancers, and filming them, and Ricardo’s dancing, which I had seen a hundred times, just didn’t seem as interesting. It was a time when I forgot how brilliant he really was—and I didn’t keep my big mouth shut about it, either. I remember one evening in a parrilla on Corrientes with Osvaldo Natucci, and his old partner Eladia Cordoba (I think Osvaldo Buglione, his partner in their El Beso milonga was also there). Natu and I were drinking wine and having a great time, and I kept going on about Tete. Well, of course Natu knew Tete very well… in fact he lived with him in a large house along with Gerard Gelli, and several other milongueros. And he also knew Ricardo very well. Natu’s ex-wife Muma, who is a famous milonguera, was one of Ricardo’s teaching partners. (It was because Muma was sick and couldn’t teach with Ricardo that I first met Alejandra in the club on Suipacha. Alej had come at the last minute to help Ricardo with the class. A very small tango world, Buenos Aires.)
So Natu and I were getting pretty loud, and kidding around:
Me: “Tete is great…”
Eladia: “Yeah, Tete is great.”
Natu: "You have to understand, Ricardo Vidort is a maestro.”
Me: "But Tete can do things no one else can.”
Natu: "You need to study Ricardo more. He’s the ‘Grand Architect’ of tango.”
Alej knew more than anyone else at the table because she had danced with both Ricardo and Tete a hundred times, and she knew just how good Ricardo was—but she was smart enough to keep quiet. We went round and round, and finally when things settled down, Natu said, “Well, you can’t really say. Tango is art. Who can say what’s better?” And I said, “Of course, your right…(pause)… but…(pause)... I still think... Tete is better than ...” Before I could finish, Natu and everyone else at the table joined in and finished the sentence for me, and we were all laughing loudly. I think half the people in the place heard it.
Since he died several people have told me that Ricardo said I was a great dancer… but he never said it to me. He was always correcting me, which I now realize was a huge and valuable favor. He, like several of the other milongueros, cared enough to break the codes and give me instruction right in the milongas. But as I got better in tango, I got the stupid idea that he was trying to show everyone that I was his student. One night he came up as Alej and I were walking onto the floor, took my arm, and said, “Shoot the feet! Shoot the feet!” (He was always saying this, and it took me a long time to really understand what he meant.) It’s very important advice, but I was feeling a little annoyed with him. It happened right in front of several milongueros, just as Alej and I were ready to dance... so I made a pistol with my finger, and pretended to take a couple of shots at my feet. Everyone around saw it, and laughed, (even Ricardo). But now, I can see that he really just wanted to help, and it was a disrespectful thing for me to do—especially in front of other milongueros.
Ricardo's favorite was music was tango picado—but he knew how to adapt to all kinds of music. (Celia's, 2004)*
[addendum: I just looked at this again, a year after posting it. This is really good dancing!]
*This clip is like a Who's Who of tango. Raul Poli, Carlos Syracusa, Alito, Tito, El Malevo, Chiche, Cachirulo,
and Nestor Serra are all visible in it.
留言
張貼留言